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How to Talk to Your Children
About War and Other Horrific Events…
 September
11, 2001 – or 9-1-1 as many were quick to point out – will indeed go
down in history as another day in infamy. The difference is that we saw it all
unfold in front of us; we watched in horror as that second commercial airliner
slammed into the World Trade Center; and we watched the ultimate icon of our
military strength go up in flames, sending plumes of smoke throughout our
capital city. The images on television were far worse than any conjured up by
Hollywood, and Americans of all ages watched them. For people on the scene who
saw the carnage first-hand, the sights and sounds will haunt their thoughts and
dreams for a lifetime. Young children may not be able to distinguish between
their interactive video games where buildings are blown up and “characters”
are killed,  only
to return and play again another day. But as the coverage goes on, they tune
into their parents anguish, and the fear creeps insidiously into yet another
generation…
As parents, we have to be prepared to discuss the news and tragic current events
with our children, however unpleasant this may be. We have the responsibility to
get through to our youngsters that while a national emergency affects each and
every one of us, measures are in place to protect us, and in every way possible
to reassure them that they are out of harm’s way.
Here are some suggestions that
may be helpful:
1. It is important for parents to answer all the questions raised by their
youngsters, to treat each question with seriousness and respect, and to phrase
the answers in an age-appropriate way. A six-year-old child may not understand
global conflict, but they most certainly do understand the consequences of
someone taking what doesn’t belong to them. They might comprehend the need for
the person’s friends to help get their belongings returned to them, and that
the wrongdoer would deserve to be punished. Talk openly with your children and
encourage them to express their fears and opinions. Reassure them without
diminishing the problem.
2. Young children are most concerned about their own safety, and fear is an
emotion learned quite early. Children are also sensitive to the emotions and
anxiety of their parents; even infants can sense that there is something wrong.
This is a time for parents to keep strong emotions in check, and to devote
undivided attention to youngsters who may be growing increasingly afraid. They
need to be reassured that no matter what happens, they will be cared for.
Surprise attacks are especially unsettling, and while it is impossible to
predict or prevent them, parents should find some method to put such attacks in
perspective. Fortunately, they have not occurred on our shores before now, and
this crisis will most surely prompt heightened security in the future.
Youngsters might find it comforting to know that more people will be looking out
for their safety.
3. Most of us are comforted by a daily routine or schedule, and children are no
different. Where ever possible, stick to normal routines and activities. Parents
may find little to laugh about, but humor can go a long way toward bringing
things back to normal for a young child.
4. Try to limit TV news viewing for when very young children are removed from
the explicit images of fire and destruction. Turn off the set for family time,
and return to the news programming after youngsters are in bed.
5. Older children may also need reassurance. They may have more specific
questions about death and dying, and the loss of human life they have seen on
TV. They may have concern about people they know who may be in the emergency
areas, or concern about a family member who is away from home. Families in
which there are emergency workers – firefighters, law enforcement, and EMS
personnel – may have an especially difficult time in dealing with the crisis,
when so many lives were lost among these professions. It will be natural for
youngsters to be alarmed when their relatives go to work in these fields. Older
kids need the comfort of their routines, as well, so try to keep them focused on
homework and other familiar chores.
6. Older teens have their own set of anxieties when nations talk of war. Will
they have to fight or enlist…will their parents have to do so? What about
other people they know and love? Who will go to war, and who might not come
home? These are difficult questions, but ones which should be discussed calmly
and rationally. Parents should also be careful not to demonize the enemy…long
term prejudices can be instilled by a careless, angry remark.
7. Watch your children for signs of stress or anxiety…nail biting, thumb
sucking, rocking, a return to earlier fears (of the dark, sleeping alone, of
strange sounds or sirens), or regressions in behavior (bed wetting, separation
anxiety). Some of these behaviors can stretch already frayed nerves, and call
for large doses of patience by all concerned. Be alert to nightmares and other
sleep and eating changes. For families already experiencing difficulties
(divorce or illness, for example) youngsters may require some extra personal
attention and comforting. Children will take the lead from their parent’s
behavior and attitude. The more in control adults appear to be, the more
confident children will be that things will ultimately turn out all right.
Children are amazing resilient; they bounce back from situations that appear to
be devastating at the time. If problems linger, however, parents should be alert
to warning signals and be prepared to seek professional help for all members of
the family as appropriate. Hugs and affection, however, certainly come under the
heading of appropriate behavior in times of emergency, so be generous with yours…
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